Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet