sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
i smell a pulitzer
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.