hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me