[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Finally!
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.