First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Catercrombie & Fish
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!