Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.