I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
An odd boast
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.