Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super