Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…