Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
i wish we could shoplift online
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
i think both sides are to blame here
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.