Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”