[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic