Terribly Tuesday.
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Jupiter
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.