No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid