4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
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Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Eat…
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Can’t stop laughing