When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
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Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.