I like donuts.
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The USS B port
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.