A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.