i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Brb my Sims are getting married
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
peep davidson
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.