NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I love you…
…r dog.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
A new level of troll.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.