Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You Might Also Like
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.