My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.