the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
You Might Also Like
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Ironic
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”