Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
You Might Also Like
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
wishing you and yours all the best
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers