I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
decorating my apartment
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson