COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
You Might Also Like
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things