Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sniffing the broccoli
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave