Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
twitter users today:
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Camping tip: No.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Livid.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!