Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers