Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.