Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
wtf management?!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?