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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes