My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
they split up moments later
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.