I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Mood.. 😂
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
*frowns in Scottish*
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Yup
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts