JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You Might Also Like
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
This classic never gets old . . .
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.