Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
congratulations to them
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.