Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Social distancing in Australia:
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.