Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Had an epiphany today.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
is this store having a stroke wtf
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently