He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
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If a snake ate a cake
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.