Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.