Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.