Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)