Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
You Might Also Like
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
That earthquake could have been an email.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend