Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
when nothing goes right… go left
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Gemma Correll
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”