I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Imma just leave this here…………
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating