[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here