Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
You Might Also Like
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
British websites use biscuits.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.