Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.