I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Got him!
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Finally, a door that understands me
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My beach vacation Google searches
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..