Anyone else having a near life experience today?
You Might Also Like
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”